Hey. Little update, the year is 2021. We are almost going into April, and holy fuck these past 3 years have been, unpredictable to say the least.
I currently type this from my Mac in the upstairs of my girlfriend (Trinity's) bedroom, with her dog laid about 35 centimetres away from me, and the comforting sounds off Come Dine With Me playing from the downstairs tele courtesy of Naomi, Trinity's mum.
I have been having a lot of shit thoughts recently. Thankfully my girlfriend is there for me, and makes everything so much better. I have been smoking a shit ton of weed over the past 4-5 months, more than I would like to admit. It's so strange because I always thought I was going to be straight edge, and even though I had tried weed before I had only ever had negative or negligible experiences with it.
It was literally only until probably 2 and a half months ago I even started to enjoy it. Before that I would never see why people would spend money on such a mild high. Now I get it, and now I do spend money on it. I feel like a bum, I can't grasp my head around what part of my mind is the correct mind.
On the one hand, I feel that by smoking weed and enjoying my youth (18) with Trinity I am not working towards becoming successful. I feel I am setting myself up for failure, and that I am either going to become miserable and alone, with a menial 9-5 full-time job, or I am going to be homeless, with no direction in life.
On the other, I feel I am allowed to enjoy my youth. I should be allowed to sit with my girlfriend 4 days a week and watch cartoons in bed all day. I still go to college, and getting the best grades possible. (I got distinction in every subject, not to brag just for context) I still go to work 2 days a week and get my £9.30 an hour even through COVID, but I don't feel that this is good enough. I genuinely can't tell. I haven't lived for long enough to see where I am going, or what lies in the future for me, so how can I possibly work now for something that I can't guarantee will happen in the future? How can I get into endless debt studying music at an academic level, whilst the odds of me ever breaking into the industry being so infinitely slim.
I don't know what to do at this point. All I want to do is melt away into a different universe with my girlfriend and her dog and just exist. On our own, with no social constructs set by people who I have never met in my entire life. Of course that will never happen, so no need to think about such a meaningless idea.
I am 18, and turning 19 in January. I think a couple years ago I had open I would've become famous by then. It wasn't until March of 2020 I realised that becoming a sound cloud rapper was a pretty extreme thought for a young English kid living in Fareham. Since then I have started to study music at college, and it has been one of the most beneficial things to happen to me in a very long time. Thanks to College I taught myself how to play Piano, I have taught myself an amount of music theory that I am able to use to create beats on my Mac. So much stuff that I never knew I needed to learn but I have, and its benefitted me so much.
Of course I still want to be famous. Me and Trinity talk about it all the time. Our goal is to have our kids not need to worry in the same way we did. Never want them to have to feel they have to work hard, that's our job. We will give our children the life we wish we had. Not to say our lives were bad, we had great childhoods, but you understand what I mean.
Anyways, that is completely off-topic. I don't know if anyone reading this is aware of my previous posts, but LAME is dead I believe. Although I would love to start a brand, and think the idea of it is cool...
Nah. I just don't have the belief that something like LAME would ever become a thing. I just don't think I'm naturally all that creative. Everything I've ever done is a result of me following in the footsteps of someone successful. Lameboy5 was my Odd Future. 6lizy was my XXXTENTACION. And so on and so forth. I never truly 'created' much of anything, have almost always taken, and changed slightly in a way that I feel is unique enough for it to maybe have chance. When I became aware of this personality trait, it blowed. I felt as though I have no chance of becoming anyone.
Liam Gallagher thought he was John Lennon. 'Cherry Bomb' is Tyler's 'In My Mind'. Stevie took the progressions and chords made popular by Duke Ellington, and put them into popular soul music. At the end of the day, we are all only human. I have been too hard on myself. By writing this post alone I feel I am proud of myself, and that I am allowed a little break with Trinity. She allows my mind to be fully relaxed.
I have learnt a lot from typing this out. I feel as though I have emptied a lot of contents from my mind. I just hope these thoughts don't continue to clog up my mind.
Thank you for reading, Sam.
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